California

California is one big third place. Everybody just hangs out around here. I’m lying, of course. My experience so far has been lackluster. I’ve not surfed any couches, nor have I done any socializing. I guess I drove all this way to cry?

That’s actually what I felt like doing as soon as I arrived. I parked my car, thought to myself, “Why am I in California?” then answered that question internally and felt suffocating pressure in my head as my eyes watered just a little bit.

These are usually the times when I remind myself of my goals, my purpose, and what I’m here for. I had no memories of why I wanted to come here! I just wanted to get away. Then again, I hadn’t done my daily rituals (morning pages, working on the novel, etc.) in days and had the sell of my home hanging over my head. Maybe it’s all stress?

This post, I guess, is about what you do when you’re lost. Sometimes, you reach for what’s familiar. Part of me wants to run home. If you know me, you know going back to Amarillo is, to me, a sign of abject failure. Is it, though? Is that the truth or is that what I’ve convinced myself? Did I ever give myself a chance to make Amarillo better? I don’t know.

Yesterday, I took a test to qualify to interview for a part-time position at a beautiful little library here on the coast. There were about fifty of us who took that test. I feel a little like Katniss right now. I didn’t bust out any arrows. Feels like I’d only point them in my direction as it stands.

Tomorrow, I’ll be talking to you about Augustine. I think it’s important I continue to post something on here even if nobody else does. One of the things that Augustine did was confess. I must confess to you something. Last Saturday, I recorded a podcast and posted it. I had planned for it to be similar. I was going to use it as a way to wrap up Aurelius and introduce Augustine. We think about our lives, we confess our sins, then we move on. It seemed fitting. But life reminds me we can’t be who we want to be all the time. We can’t confess all of our sins. The world still likes us to be as expected.

So, I also went to the VA Hospital here in Long Beach yesterday. I talked to a psychologist who was able to get me some anti-depressants and schedule me some appointments. As I’m doing Rounding Third and making huge financial decisions, I’m aware of how unsure I am of who is actually driving this thing. Is it avoidance or will? Is it optimism or desperation? Am I chasing something I’ve already found? If timing means anything at all. If there is any reason to believe in connections and messages from the universe, then I should consider this a little vacation and alter my plans considerably.

I didn’t do a Mastery Monday entry this week because I’m in no position to offer advice on self-discipline, self-mastery, or even success. It would have been about values, however. Those things that are important to us and give our lives the appearance of congruence when we respect them enough to work towards realizing them. On Talkative Tuesday, I would have written about conflict because it’s definitely one obstacle to communicating effectively. I had planned a Wayback Wednesday post about San Antonio’s McNay Art Museum — at least I shared some of my art last week. The only days I’m convinced I shouldn’t miss are the Philosophy Fridays and Social Saturdays. I want the Fridays to share what I love. I want the Saturdays to discover what you love.

Anyway, not meant to be a downer of a post. If it is, I apologize. Here’s the good news: the world’s still here. It still works. For now.

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